As I washed my dishes a few days ago, I realized the sponge with which I was scrubbing was getting worn. In a moment of MacGyver-esque resourcefulness I opened the cabinet and pulled out a package of new sponges. I unsheathed the dish-cleaning weaponry from the plastic scabbard and absent-mindedly read the packaging. In shock I let go of the British-made sponges. Time stood still as they careened towards the floor. They dramatically bounced of the tile floor and then pretty much just lay there. (The ordeal wasn’t quite as dramatic as when the cop drops the coffee mug at the end of The Usual Suspects.)
The words: “Sponges: Cleans, No Added Promises,” loomed at me from the plastic packaging .
I could not believe it. “Cleans, No Added Promises!!!” That’s it?! I stomped on the sponges in disgust and stormed back to my bedroom to clear my head.
American products change your life. It doesn’t matter what they are. I do not know how society functioned before advent of the Sham-Wow or the Snuggie. Advertisements for products in America promise to not only fulfill their intended purpose, they practically guarantee your life will never be the same after using them.
As far back as I can remember American products were bettering my life. My Trapper Keeper not only conveniently stored my papers and pencils, it made me popular and helped me achieve my wildest dreams. My new shoes not only provided arch support they increased my agility and quickness twenty-fold!
American advertisements portray their products delivering an unlimited supply of happiness and satisfaction. So you can imagine my disgust with these British sponges that only "Cleaned."
Most things in the United Kingdom only do what they say they are going to do. A bike will only get you from point A to point B, a coat will only keep you warm and dry, and sponges will only clean.
British people need to realize their lives are a gaping void and the only thing that can fill the hole is awesome-products that awesomely revolutionize their lives and provide awesome amounts of happiness. Dish sponges in America promise better families and home-lives, make you handsomer, wealthier, and better at sports. British sponges just clean. (Although to be fair, the sponges did clean fairly well.)